Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
