there's paper in my vomit.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
