Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
get ready to load up the weird cannon and blow a load of buck-wildness all over the place people
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
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