I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
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