yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
Just had a brita power hour to try to counter act all the wine i chugged last night.....fucking franzia
I got rejected. By another girl. At a red light. In front of seven shirtless cyclists in the middle of the night. How is that normal?!?
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
The paramedics said she just kept whispering "I just wanted to party"
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
