I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
