you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
