I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
