She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
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