I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
You're like the curious george of whores
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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