we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Randomize
