drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure
could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Randomize
