Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
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