I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
