if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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