We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
