I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
