Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
You barfed off the front porch while the elderly neighbors were walking their dog. We had to convince them not to call 911.
Pics or it didn't happen.
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
Randomize
