I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
