my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I tried to breakup with him by telling I had a threesome. He one upped me by saying he had a 5-some so I couldn’t do it.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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