It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
