I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
where are you?
in the room with the baby pig
k im coming soon
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
well apperantly i passed out on the stairs shouting "victory".
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize