"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
