I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.
Huh?
I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
