He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
