Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I'm going to have to go for it. It's like Mt. Everest. It's large and unpredictable but I live for adventure and it's worth never coming back from. Mt. BigDick.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
