I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
