Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
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