I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
