That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Hey I just woke up in the back of a pickup truck parked at taco bell... Can u come get me?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
