Britney fell asleep on the couch in the foier, got up stripped then pissed on the floor. Then got dressed and went to sleep in it. Also downstairs toilet clogged. Not me. I will be gone by the time you get home from work. Have fun.
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Basically she credited me and my dick pic for boosting the moral of all the Safeway workers
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Randomize
