you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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