Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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