I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
My vagina is officially offended.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
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