There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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