pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Randomize
