he wasnt into me til he saw how good i was at ms pacman. wtf why does this always happen? when she kisses pacman it was a little awkward, so i made my move. i went for more than one kind of banana last night!
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
Randomize
