Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I feel so nauseous and all I want is string cheese. My life never makes sense.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Enjoy the penises
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
