I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
