i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
