this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
Randomize
