Old men and throwing up are my life now.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
If I get aids I am starting a lawsuit against snapchat.
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Randomize
