just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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