I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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