My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Randomize
