So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
I'm gonna go parent style on your ass... I don't ask much from you but if you could please just come get shitfaced with me I would really appreciate it
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
