You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Pooping to opera.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
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