This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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