yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
Randomize
