Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
